Sir Galahad and the Witch

Once upon a time, King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, were galloping around Camelot when they were surrounded by a band of strange knights.

"Halt there, King Arthur. You are trespassing in the realm of King Olaff. I'm afraid we have to put you under arrest," said the leader of the band.

"You have reason, gallant knight. And you far outnumber us. As I do not wish to shed blood on such a matter, then we will just have to go with you," said King Arthur.

And so they were escorted to the castle of King Olaff.

"Good day, King Arthur. I see you have been galloping around again; too bad you trespassed. As per our agreement, you and your men will have to spend a week in jail," said the fat King Olaff, his fatty belly bouncing with every breath of amused movement.

"Hopefully not this time, good King Olaff. For I and my knights must prepare for Sir Percival's daughter who is coming of age in three days. Have you received the invitations?"

"As a matter of fact, I have, O King. But an agreement is an agreement. Nevertheless, since you are a gentleman, I will give you an option. Give me an answer to this riddle--and I'll give you a whole year to look for the answer. If you come back to me next year with the correct answer, you shall go. If not, you must spend time in my jail. You'll like the new bling blings I've added, by the way."

"Agreed, King Olaff. What is your riddle?"

"The riddle, O King, is this: What do women really want?"

Laughing inside, King Arthur says, "Are you certain you do not want a week? But, then, a year you say and a year it shall be. We shall return with the answer. In the meantime, I shall expect you at Camelot in three days?"

"You've given me a king's word, and I'll give you mine. What do women really want. Farewell!"

And off they went.

Almost a year later, King Arthur and his Knights were sitting around the Round Table. The mood was not quite right.

"We have 24 hours to find the answer to Olaffable's riddle. I do not wish to spend time in his jail, new interiors notwithstanding. How did I ever cram on this," sighed King Arthur.

"You were too busy on papers, presentations, group work. And some experts were not available for consultation. It's understandable," said Percival.

"Drop it," interjected Lancelot. "We've surveyed everyone who matters in this kingdom. We've gone to every barber, every fish seller, every mailman. Yet all gave unsatisfactory answers."

"OF COURSE!" exclaimed Gawain, making everybody jump. "There is still one more person we have not asked. A wicked old hag living in the very frontiers of Camelot."

"Then let's get to her, man!" says King Arthur.

"O King, it is not so easy," said Gawain. "For three reasons. First of all, she's evil incarnate."

"You don't know my mother-in-law," said King Arthur.

"She stinks."

"How bad?"

Gawain whispers something so disgusting to King Arthur's ear that he almost vomits.

"We'll bring a gallon of ammonia. Each." Then, to himself, "We'll probably have to throw in a flame thrower also." And speaking to Gawain, "What's the--(ewww!)--third?"

"She's very very ugly. As in."

"How ugly?"

"She looks like Kris Aquino, only thinner." (He was referring, of course, to Kris Aquino, King Arthur's plumber, whom historians say was actually a transvestite.)

"Fine. We're knights. We can do it. Let's not a minute waste! Ask the page to prepare the ammonia and the flame thrower ("Flame thrower?" whispered Lancelot.), get the horses ready, and off we go!"

So they made their way to the witch's domain.

It was clear they had arrived when rainforest abruptly gave way to shrub desert. Here was a dead bird, over there a dead rabbit, and over there a scabby dog gnawing at its own tail. And in the middle of all this wasteland, radiating evil 360 degrees, was a worn down cottage, its walls covered by dog hide in various places, its roof held in place by rubber tires; and in front, a sign that said "Forget the dog. Beware of--", the last word hidden by a knife impaling what oddly looked like a pig's heart dissected.

After bathing in ammonia, King Arthur ("I wonder what ek eks Olaffingstock added to his dungeon...") goes up to the cottage. "Hello. Anyone home?"

The door opens, and out comes the ugliest hag ever encountered in English literature. "Hus dis?" she says. "Wacha want?" She was eating a cob of corn. Through her nose.

"I'm King Arthur, and I need to ask you a question: What do women really want?"

The wicked witch continued to gnaw at her corn.

"Wellll?"

"Heh? Wana me t'answer dat? Shud'v sed so. Why d'you wana know?" Then to herself, "King, king, duzn't know t'speak clearly."

King Arthur explains.

Then to King Arthur she says, "Yeah, King Smells-Like-Piss, ahl answer dat. But I wana somethin' in payment."

"Agreed, witch. Whatever. What do you ask?"

"If wat ah say is right, you must give me one of your knights in marriage!"

At this, even the horses panicked, if not for the strong hands of their masters, who in deep despair looked at each other, and especially to their impulsive King.

After about two minutes of this, Sir Galahad spoke. "O King Arthur, it is clear that this knight should be me."

Everyone looked at him. King Arthur said, "I verily salute your courage; I would have said the same thing in your place. But why you, Sir Galahad?"

"I'm the only one who's not married yet." Galahad looked very very VERY forlorn.

A pause. Then King Arthur said, "Well, I thank you for this sacrifice. If ever a greater honor than a knight there was, I shall have rewarded you with it. (Whose f***** horse trampled on that flame thrower?!?)" Then to the witch, "You have our word for it, witch. Sir Galahad here will marry you if your answer is correct. Let's get on with it."

"Wat do women really want, King Arth-urea? Wat women really want is that you LET THEM BE."

Since there were was not enough time even for a thanksgiving speech, the galant men rushed to Olaff's realm.

"King Arthur, indeed. Ha ha! You truly are a man of your word!" said the fat and bouncy King Olaff.

"If you only knew."

"So, my friend and colleague, ha ha! What do women really want, eh?"

"What women really want, Olaff my boy? Huh!?! What women REALLY want?!? Is that we LET THEM BE!!! SH*T!!! I SWEAR, THIS AMMONIA--"

"That is correct," said King Olaff, a sudden look of reflection falling on his face.

Everyone shuts up. Then all shout, "HURRAH! HURRAH!" High fives and esoteric handshakes straight from a Snow White movie are exchanged. Everyone, that is, except Galahad.

This sudden realization overtakes King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table.

"What is it, King Arthur," said the visibly impressed and now worried King Olaff.

"Nothing, Olaff. You're invited, out of courtesy, to a marriage feast in three days. That is, only if you want--"

"Of course I'll be there! Who is it? Galahad? Your only bachelor knight? And who's the lucky lady?"

"Just show up." And with this they all return to Camelot like an army in rout.

Majestic preparations were made. The witch was picked up and escorted to the palace. In three days, Camelot was awash with bling blings and ek eks and colors. Young ladies everywhere were crying.

During the procession, the heartthrob Sir Galahad was in his best shining armor. His fiancee the witch was in her pajamas, her louse-infested hair unkempt, her teeth all black and green, laughing loudly at her own jokes, finger in the nose, nagging, burping on one end, blasting gas on the other.

And Galahad, through all this, acted like the perfect gentleman, showing nothing but affection and honor towards his brand new wife.

As afternoon turned to evening, and as the last party guests bid goodbye (he had been trying to delay their departure for the last eighteen and a half hours), Sir Galahad began to steel himself to encounter his wife in her bedchamber.

Standing before her door, he knocked. No answer. He entered.

The witch had disappeared.

In her place was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen! She was dressed in satiny robes, her skin smooth and white, her hair long, black, silky smooth. Galahad just stood there, his face in shock.

Then she said, with the sweetest smile, "I was the witch, Sir Galahad. But since you acted so much as a gentleman, treating me with honor and respect, I have decided to show you my true self.

"But there's a catch. I can be like this only in the morning or only in the evening. When do you want me to be like this?"

Galahad the wise, Galahad the intelligent, remembering the most important lesson of the past few days, finally answers, "As you wish, my Lady."

Then there was a terrific explosion. When the smoke and thunder and lightning cleared, the girl from the Close Up-shampoo commercial had disappeared! In her place was a BLONDE babe a hundred times more beautiful than the first, in bluish satin robes, wearing breakable glass slippers.

She said, "Because you are not only a gentleman, but are also very wise, I have decided to be like this...all the time!"

And they lived happily together for the next eight or so years.

The moral of the story?

Your wife or your girlfriend might be evil, bitchy, stinky. But, remember, deep, deep down inside...

She's just a witch.

(I first heard this story some years ago from a friend, Erik Santos. Dunno where he got it. The illustration is from http://www.sbceo.k12.ca.us/~vms/carlton/page17.html.)